


Only Gazes

by sodagum



Category: Diamond no Ace, ダイヤのA | Daiya no A | Ace of Diamond
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, all that sappy good stuff, lol, oh god do i try
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 12:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2581661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sodagum/pseuds/sodagum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which Kuramochi comes to terms with his feelings for Ryousuke, but has difficulty doing so because he’s a scaredy cat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Gazes

He came to realize, that if one timed the moments just right, they’d be able to constantly keep someone in their gaze without regard. A self-declared skill which he mastered over time had allowed him to get away with socially unacceptable stares, and to notice endearing idiosyncrasies in others, or rather, in the person of interest. Forced subtly and the facade of one harboring a fixed tranquil expression was all he needed to get away with the information he stolen with his eyes alone.

 

It almost felt like a crime.

 

To get such an exhilarating feeling by simply looking at someone without their notice, was absurd. Constantly finding himself silently praying for the other to do anything except look his way and notice his gaze, only so he can keep up this routine of admiring was just silly. It was a simple, harmless action. Yet it formed inside him a mixture of anxiousness, guilt, stress, excitement, and the subconscious look of someone who has something to hide.

 

2...3...4...5 

Stop. Turn away.

3...4...5

Stop. Adjust cap. Hide eyes. Shift gaze to floor.

4...5

Stop. Fiddle with mit. Comment on the pitcher’s throwing.

Repeat until practice is over, then try to strike up a conversation on the way back to the dorms. Like clockwork every day, and it was as if the other was oblivious to how truly complex and well thought out his actions around him were.

There would be times where it was difficult for Kuramochi to distinguish whether he was indeed infatuated with the one whom he had bonded with for over a year, or that he simply craved the thrill of getting away with something he would most likely get called out on. Maybe he just adored the concept of not getting caught, for it satisfied a faint, yet very perceptible rebellious need suppressed solely for the sport he promised to commit to and thoroughly enjoyed.

It was when the center of his attention sighed near him. A gentle yet audible exhale, accompanied by the relaxation of facial features, he knew for certain.

Part of him wished it was the latter.

Kominato Ryousuke was definitely something to him, but what exactly?

 

it was undefinable, because the question was avoidable.

 

His refusal of acknowledgement meant refusal to confront.

 

Refusal to accept.

 

He can ignore it.

 

He will ignore it.

 

But for how long?

 

It was the end of evening practice and the shuffling of cleats making their way off field was enough to pull him from his thoughts, but not quick enough to trot over to Ryousuke’s side and converse with him as planned. He frowned for a moments worth before joining the others, loudly commentating on today’s practice, and tossing in a few jokes, just to prevent the arousal of suspicion for being uncharacteristically quiet. The teen grinned, feeling relieved and in some sort of clear, but he could only count the seconds of feeling so on his fingers before he felt a curt shove at his back, forcing him to stumble forward. 

“The hell? Wh-” He was silenced by a heavy arm that draped over his shoulders, and the mischievous laugh that went with it.

“Miyuki, what are y-”

“For the longest time now,” He cut him off. “I was thinkin’ you were maybe sick or something. Or fatigued, or just weren’t getting enough sleep. Because something about you was off. I couldn’t put my finger on it. And I’ve been trying to for a while.”

“Trying to finger it?” 

“Yeah.”

“Hah.”

“Shut up, you knew what I meant.” Miyuki said, ignoring the fact he fell for the crude set up. “So, you gonna tell me what’s up, or will I have to beat it out of you?” He spoke in a jocular manner, sending a playful jab to the other’s side.

Kuramochi, in no mood to mess around, only made a noise of disapproval and distanced himself from his attacker. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, there isn’t anything wrong. You’re just overthinking things.” He defended.

Miyuki only shot him a look, which only proved his persistence in obtaining the truth. The short-stop simply turned away, trying to ignore his gaze and a small panicky feeling arose throwing off the steady rhythm of his breathing to a more erratic one. He tried to hide the sudden change with a poorly forced cough. It didn’t work, as evidenced by the near offended expression that could only be in response to that half-assed attempt written all over the other’s face.

“That was totally convincing, really it was. Quit baseball and become an actor.”

“Ha Ha.” Kuramochi now displayed a look of annoyance to hid the anxiety in his face. It was appropriate, though, it wasn’t directed toward Miyuki. He internally scolded himself right there for being so foolish. He was fixated not having Ryousuke notice him, that he hadn’t taken into account that others could too.

“Seriously, I wanna know what the deal is.”

Foolish, simply foolish. 

“It’s school huh? You’re failing a class?”

“That’s none of your business.” Kuramochi finally retorted.

“Bingo! You are aren’t you?” A wide, playful smile took over his features, the one that could only be formed upon hearing something scandalous. “ Look if that’s the case, I can let you copy my homework until you get your shit together.”

“I said-” He paused to consider. “You’d really do that for me?”

“No, knowing you, you’d probably copy it word for word and get both of us in trouble. But now I know what’s up.” He smirked in triumph.

 

“Nice work detective, you found me out.” The words saturated with blatant sarcasm. He’d give him this one, so long as it got him off his case.

 

“Mmhm, and since that’s the problem, I’ll just help you study.”

Kuramochi nearly snorted. “Yeah, no. That ain’t necessary.”

“I’m going out of my way to help you keep your grades up and not jeopardize your spot on the team and that’s your response?”

“Never said I needed help.”

“But you do.”

“Not from you.”

“ _Rude_.”

Kuramochi laughed at the other’s growing frown and shook his head, and though he wouldn’t admit aloud, it was actually quite touching the other had shown concern in his own way. “This weekend.” he said. 

“Mh?”

“This weekend, help me study.”

Miyuki grinned. “I knew you’d come around. This weekend is fine. And don’t worry, I promise to work at a slow pace so you won’t get lost.”

He shot him glare, and any consideration for the other’s kindness seemed to have vanished as soon as it appeared. “Do you have to be an ass?”

“What about my ass?”

“Fuck off.”

It was now Miyuki’s turn to laugh at an appearing frown, he gave the other a lighthearted punch to the shoulder before jogging over to the locker rooms, breaking the leisure walking speed Kuramochi had created and ending the conversation.

Kuramochi watched the distance between them grow before he let out the most relieved sigh could muster. The fact that his teammate had no grasp of his actuation situation was somewhat reassuring, but it didn’t change the fact that someone other that Ryousuke could find out was probable. For that matter, how was he so sure that he didn’t already have an idea either? He had become so self conscious and filled with worry in just moments it was practically dizzying.

It was frustrating. 

 

It was nerve-wrecking.

 

And maybe even pathetic.

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

Kuramochi made quick work of his bath, washing up speedily and making his way back to his dorms where he’d eat and finally rest. These feelings along with practice had made twice as exhausted. As soon as he dives into bed with an exaggerated ‘flop’, he glances over at a texting Sawamura, who seemed to be immersed into whatever conversation he was having on his phone until he tossed the device aside and answered what looked like homework questions, only to have the phone buzz and interrupt his studies, just so he could answer again. Kuramochi could only suspect one person.

“What are you and your girlfriend talking about?”

“Not my girlfriend.” He muttered, not even bothering to look up at his upperclassman. 

“Sure.”

This time, he only grunted.

“Tch,” Kuramochi turned away, slightly bothered by the lack of attention he was getting, but too tired to actually do anything about it. He remained silent for the next few moments before speaking up once more. 

“Ey, Sawamura. When you confessed to your girlfriend, did-”

“Dude! For the like the millionth time, she’s not my girlfriend. Just a childhood friend. I don’t know why this is so hard for anyone to understand. She’s like, my sister, or somethin’ I dunno, definitely not my girlfriend though. It’s not like that. I don’t see...Wait.” Sawamura abruptly paused, setting his phone down to look up at the other, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and the desire to understand. “Kuramochi, were you just trying to ask me for love advice right now?”

 

“What the fuck? No.”

 

“Yes...yes you were.” His eyes widened in surprise at this realization. 

 

“No, no, no. Fuck you, like I’d ever take any sort of advice from you. Of all people. Hell. No.”

 

“Kay first off, fuck you, I give great advice. And second, you most definitely were asking for advice on love! Why else would you ask about confessing?” A wide grin became the main attraction on his face, and he erupted in a short cackle.

“Shut up! God, you’re so annoying!” Kuramochi growled, pelting the freshman with pillows. “And where the hell do you get off talking to me like that? You better watch your mouth or I’ll-”

 

Sawamura let out another bark of laughter before puffing up his chest, taking in this new air of arrogance and ignoring everything Kuramochi had to shout at him. “Love advice you say?” He stroked his chin. “Hm, well, I’ve never confessed to Wakana, because we’re just friends, but there was this one time in third grade, I was crushing on this really pretty girl and every time I tried to tell her I got really nervous. So one day during recess, I pulled her aside to confess, but get this-- I didn’t face her. I turned around so I couldn’t see her and spoke loud enough so she’d be able to hear me. It was much more easier to tell her how I felt, and if she didn’t feel the same way, well...I wouldn’t have to see her walk away.” He said, looking away to fiddle with his pencil.

 

Kuramochi studied his face and went as serious as the expression the other wore. “Did...did she say yes?”

 

“No, she was already married. But I got over it.”

 

“What kind of third grader gets married?” Kuramochi asked in disbelief.

 

“She wasn’t a third grader, she was the teacher’s aid. Honestly, I think I liked her because she always shared snacks and her hair smelled like strawberries.”

Kuramochi shot Sawamura the nastiest glare before pelting him with another pillow. “Thanks for wasting my time.” he spat, getting to his feet and putting his slippers on.

“I’m not joking! That would totally help if you were ever nervous--Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m gonna get some juice.”

“Some juice, juice. Or...juice.” He questioned with a raised brow.

He sighed with a roll of his eyes and shook his head. “Fuck off, Sawamura.” He mumbled before heading out, closing the door behind him.

“Tch, cranky.” Sawamura commented, before turning his attention back to his homework.

.

 

.

 

.

 

Kuramochi grumpily shuffled his way over the vending machine, with hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and a scowl that could rival the team’s loudest center fielder. An array of curses left his mouth in a quiet tone as he replayed the conversation he had held with his roommate just moments ago. 

In a way, he did ask for love advice. As much as he refused to concede, a question like that had simply slipped out, and part of him had hoped for a helpful answer.

 

He could have blown it off as just teasing. Just call him a few names and laugh at him for being gullible. But he didn’t, instead he let such a harmless question, one that could have been taken as a misunderstanding, bother him to the point of being defensive. The hold on his feelings grew more and more difficult to grasp, to conceal. And in a feeble act of desperation, he sought help to transcend from such an exhausting, purgatory-like state of just wondering whether or not an intimate relationship was even the least bit fathomable, to something more, from someone who hardly had any experience in such matters, let alone even cared that much about them.

He sighed and stood in front of the vending machine, the light from inside just bright enough to allow him to see his own reflection in the glass, and observe the sheer frustration in his face that at this point, he couldn’t even hide.

Jamming his fingers onto a few button to select his drink, he paid no attention the shuffling footsteps coming in his direction. His bottled beverage fell with a thud and as he leaned over to retrieve it, he finally saw him.

 

The last person he wanted to see, but the only person he needed to.

 

“Evening, Youichi.” Ryousuke said as a sign of acknowledgment, his voice was so comfortably soft and refreshing, and gave him that feel one would get by resting their head against the cool side of a pillow. Having that same voice say his name right now was incredibly satisfying, yet at the same time it made him on edge.

“You done?” He asked, gesturing to the machine.

“Hm? Oh,” Kuramochi fumbled with the bottle for a moment before getting a good grip onto it and quickly moving out of the way so the other could have his turn. As Ryousuke went to review the choices encased behind the machine’s glass, Kuramochi opened his mouth to speak, but said nothing. It had become more and more difficult to speak directly towards him. He was losing his cool. He stood in silence and watched the second baseman, and noted how his eyebrows slightly furrowed in discontent and his hands remained firmly clasped behind his back.

“It seems you’ve taken the last of the apple juice.” Ryousuke stated, glancing over at the drink in his hands. The taller of the two blinked multiple times as he processed what was said to him.

“Really? My bad, here, you can have mine.”

“It’s fine.”

“No really, I just chose anything. You want the apple juice, you should take it. I’ll just get something else.”

“It’s not really necessary.”

“I insist.”

“You insist?” he asked, brow raised.

“Yes.”

Ryousuke’s next reply was only a stare, one that struck the other with uneasiness and intimidation.

“I mean, no.”

Silence.

“Yes. No? Yes? Ah, fuck.”

Kuramochi finally broke eye contact, and shifted his gaze to the floor as he put a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it in embarrassment. This was so difficult and in no way should it be. The desperation to find and say the right words was turning him into a mess. It was horribly exasperating and he wanted nothing more than for Ryousuke to just take the drink and leave. Just to save himself from future screw ups.

He got what he wanted, as the other walked right over to him and took the juice right out of his hands. He was close enough Kuramochi could tell he had just come from the bathing area, as his hair was visibly damp. He could also notice the faintest hint of a powder fresh scented deodorant. It made him so unreasonably lightheaded. And what was worse was that Ryousuke just kept staring at him. Like he was searching for something.

Trying to find an answer without having to ask for it.

“Alright, that’s enough. What did you do?”

“What?”

“You’re hiding something, Kuramochi.”

“What are you talking about? Is this because of the juice? Look, I just wanted to let you have it because...Practice was-”

“Practice was very light today. Hardly anyone broke a sweat.” He cut him off. “You did something bad, didn’t you? What are you hiding?”

 

“Nothing!”

“Was this your odd way of trying trying to confide in me? Did someone do something to you?”

“No! No one did anything, I didn’t do anything. Why are you grilling me for trying to do something nice? I just wanted to give you juice.”

“Just wanted to give me juice.”

“Yes. I wanted to give you juice.”

“Tell me why I’m having trouble believing that.”

Kuramochi could only laugh in disbelief at the absurdity of the situation right now. “I don’t know,” He shook his head. “This is really ridiculous.” he muttered, and started back to his room only to be blocked by his upperclassman. 

“That was quite rude of you, to walk off in the middle of a conversation. It was a rather reasonable request, wasn’t it?” He asked with stern patience.

“I don’t really have to tell you.” he answered with a hint of defiance.

“But you just said you don’t have anything to hide.”

He made eye contact with anything but his face. The floor, the vending machine, the light fixture, anything that could slow the rising build up whatever it is that will make him break. He can’t break, even if he can only hold it for so long.

“Look at me.”

 

“No.” His voice was shaking, and he truly didn’t know whether he wanted to cry, scream, or puke.

 

“Youichi.”

 

“It’s you.”

 

“Me.”

 

“Yes, you did everything.”

 

“Really now? Are you going to elaborate?”

Kuramochi finally gathered up whatever nerve he could to look at him. And it was all he could do before it left as quickly as it came. He froze. Relaxing only enough to remember:

 

_‘...but get this-- I didn’t face her. I turned around so I couldn’t see her and spoke loud enough so she’d be able to hear me. It was much more easier to tell her how I felt, and if she didn’t feel the same way, well...I wouldn’t have to see her walk away.’_

 

“Fucking hell.” he mumbled under his breath before shuffling around until his back was all Ryousuke could see.

Kuramochi ran a hand through his own hair and sighed, trying to figure out where to even start.

“You...you fucked me up...really, really bad. I mean, I’m just. It’s like, you’re you, right?” Kuramochi never really believed in out of body experiences, but this moment had definitely changed his opinions on them. He could practically see himself pathetically stumbling over his words. Everything felt so surreal. His nerves were on fire. Each and every one of his thoughts shot back and forth through his mind like bullets on a battlefield at lightning speed. He had no time to process one before another came to take it’s place. He had to manually breath to maintain some sense of self. All the while Ryousuke simply stood, arms crossed with most puzzled yet curious expression.

“Everything you do, it makes me just so into you. When I look at you, and I notice things I didn’t see before, I get so happy and excited and I don’t know why.” Hearing himself felt so painful, he was so weak. Disgustingly pathetic and weak.

Embarrassment should be tangible, because Kuramochi wants nothing more than to ball his up and toss it away in hopes of making this easier.

 

“When I’m around you sometimes, it feels right. Other times, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, and I just want to fall. But I’m so afraid to fall. I’m so afraid to move. When I hear your voice, it’s like...I just want you to talk to me, all day, and to no one else.” He exhales, and inhales sharply once more.

“I always thought I didn’t know what love was--I probably still don’t. And I was cool with that, I didn’t care, I never felt I had to define it. But if that describes what I have for you, then. Shit. I love you. I fucking love you, Ryousuke. I love you, I love you, I love everything about you. I just want to hold you, a lot. And when I look at your face, at your lips, I just...I want to…”

The pounding in his ears delayed his acknowledgement of the silence. He was afraid to turn around, yet wanted to do so, badly. He threw his head back with a sigh and stared into the night sky. 

He was so fucked.

 

“...Want to what?”

Those three words caused his heart to palpitate. He turns around to find Ryousuke still standing, and looking very invested.

“I…”

He starts toward him, but Kuramochi backs away warily, only to be cornered up against a wall. Ryousuke was right in front of him now, so close. So teasingly close. His warm breath hitting just his chin was enough for the taller to realize how cool the night air actually was.

“What do you want to do to my lips, Youichi?” Ryousuke said, just audible enough for only the two of them to hear.

Kuramochi could have sworn he saw a smirk, and the very thought of him finding this to be amusing nearly crushed him right there. If there was anything worse than him walking away, it was getting toyed with.

Just what was the other thinking.

 

“Don’t. You can’t just...It’s not fair...you can’t do that.” God, he felt so weak, and tired, and vulnerable, and pitiful and just so close to losing it. 

 

Don’t break.

 

Not in front of him.

 

“What am I doing?” He was definitely playing with him, that’s for sure.

 

“You’re messing with me.” His voice just got softer and barely detectable.

 

“I can assure you, I’m not.”

“C’mon, just-”

“What do you want to do to my lips?”

There was no where to run, he was out of excuses and lies to tell. He would surrender for his pleasure.

 

“Kiss. I want to kiss them so bad, I wanna press mine up against them and just have them stay there. I...I’m so fucked.” He inwardly cringed at how shamelessly needy that sounded. But was in every way the truth.

Ryousuke was now pressed up against him, head and hand rested on Kuramochi’s chest as they both stood while the other rested the back of his head on the wall and stared off into space in utter defeat.

He felt helpless.

Like some sort of hunted down prey.

And Ryousuke was a predator, the sole embodiment of intimidation that could destroy him in just a few words.

“Then do so.”

 

Not those words.

 

“What?”

“Kiss me.”

The two words rang through his ears like a violent command and he still wasn’t sure if he heard him correctly. Though asking for it to be repeated might throw away the opportunity given to him. Kuramochi said nothing more, and did as he was told, cupping the other’s face in his hand and slowly leaning downward to close the distance between between both very willing lips.

 

It felt like a dream. He was falling. His body felt so light yet it was like his legs could give out any second. Somehow, in the whirlwind of emotion riveting through him, he failed to notice the exact moment when Ryousuke took his hand into his own.

He responded quickly, moving his hand to let their fingers intertwine like puzzle pieces that formed a quintessential fit.

And then it was over.

Such a perfect, chaste kiss.

An action that ended too soon. All he could do was stare until he finally built up the courage to ask:

“What does this mean?”

“It means, I accept your feelings.”

“...”

“And will gladly return them.”

Ryousuke only smiled at the increasing look of surprise on the other’s face, before he too, smiled.

“So...That means, we’re-”

“Yes.”

“And I can-”

 

“Yes.”

 

“We really are-”

“Yes. Yes we are.” Ryousuke finally pulled away with a light sigh. “It’s late, you should get some sleep.”

He could only nod as Ryousuke started to leave, only to stop and face him once more. “Thank you for the juice, Youichi.”

“Mhm! No problem! Goodnight Ryousuke. Sleep well...I love you.” The last three words were just audible for Kuramochi to hear, but he was fine with it. As soon as the other was out of sight, he proceeded to pump his fist in the air as a form of relief and triumph. The smile never leaving his face as he stood against the wall, basking in the aftermath. It was only when a slightly taller shadow that obstructed his light source pulled him down from his high that his smile formed into a scowl.

“So um, I’m guessing our study date this weekend is canceled?”

“How much did you hear?”

“Not much, I swear.”

“Good.” Kuramochi stood and shoved his hands in his pockets, readying to take his leave until he heard a thud. Turning around to see Miyuki, back pressed against the vending machine, an exaggerated distressed expression on his face and the back of his hand resting on his forehead as if he were checking for a fever.

“Oh Ryousuke! I love you so, so, so, so much.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re the air that I breath! The water I drink! Kiss me and never leave me, ooh!” He gave a dramatic gasp.

“I hate you so much.”

“Thank you, but seriously. That was actually really touching and cute. Props for not pissing yourself, though. You looked like you really had to go.” He grinned.

Kuramochi was in no mood to play, he strides over to the other and pinned him against the machine with the most menacing look he could muster up. 

“I swear to God. If you tell anyone what happened here, I’m go-”

“Relax. I wont tell anyone, you have my word. Now would you let me go now? You’re stretching out my shirt.”

With a watchful gaze, he released him.

“And just so you know, I wasn’t being nosy, I actually came to purchase some beverages when all that happened. So if you would puh-lease.” He shooed him away with a wave of his hand and finally faced the machine, rubbing his chin as he reviewed his choices.

“Tch,” Kuramochi shot him a final glare before taking off once more, stopping only after hearing Miyuki exhale unreasonably loud. 

“Oh man! We’re all out of apple juice!” He said aloud with a snap of his fingers. “I mean, how else will I use a drink to represent the token of my love now? Say, Kuramochi, you think grape will be just as good?” He turned to the other, revealing a nasty grin.

The teen sighed in frustration but did not turn around, refusing to let the other get under his skin, despite the twitching need to present a punch to his smug face. His situation turned out better than expected, and even though he was now quite happy with himself, he was still emotionally and physically exhausted. With that, he simply responded to the other’s question with three words alone.

“Fuck off, Miyuki.”

Faint chuckles emanating from the other was all that was to be heard as he shuffled back to his dorm for a well deserved rest.


End file.
